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I’ve always been something of an anxious person. Even when I was a little girl hiding behind my mother’s skirt (which is something I can’t do now, both because my mother rarely wears skirts and I’m much larger than my mother), I was worried about…well, everything.

I’m still anxious these days because I want everything to turn out well. I’m somehow managing to take care of myself and my daughter, even though we have very little money, and, as I’ve said previously, I’m looking for steady work.

What makes me anxious? The answer to that lays in my thought processes. I am someone who considers every possible outcome, and I have a very vivid imagination. While being able to see multiple outcomes is sometimes an asset, it does make it more difficult for me to make decisions or to get through my day without biting my nails.

What I need is to slow my thoughts down and process them. Emmy Rossum’s “Slow Me Down” seems to suit my feelings perfectly. If you’ve never heard it, here it is:

I think the biggest thing that would help me calm my anxiety would be to slow down my thoughts through meditation. It’s hard for me to tell myself to slow down when I have so much to get done; however, I’ve spent so much time panicking in the past that what I need to get accomplished doesn’t get accomplished as quickly as I’d like anyway. As I progress in learning to meditate, I’m sure my anxiety will ebb and I’ll accomplish more than ever.

If you’re reading this and struggle with anxiety, please know that you’re not alone. There are plenty of us out there, and we’re all seeking ways to ease our anxious thoughts. I’m going to overcome my anxiety, and you can, too!

Since I’m job hunting and I want to challenge myself in the meantime, I’ve decided that today will mark the beginning of a challenge: I will post at least once a day on this blog for the the month of September. Perhaps by the end of this exercise, I will be back to being able to write regularly, with or without a writing prompt.

That being said, I am going to make things semi-easy on myself by doing the alphabet meme. For those who don’t know what that is, I’ll be going through the alphabet, one letter at a time, and the letter of the day will dictate the word I use as a writing prompt. If that’s not clear enough, you’ll see what I mean with my next blog entry.

Wish me luck!

“Here’s where clam fishin’ gets serious!” ~ Mr. Krabs

Starting in September, I hope to do more with this blog than I have thus far. I have a BA in English, a brain full of ideas, and a blog that is just begging for me to do more doodling than I have thus far.

Why haven’t I done more?

One word: procrastination.

As I’ve sad before, “Of all of the things I could go “pro” in, why did I choose this?” I’ve yet to understand the roots of why I keep on putting off seriously writing (I did a 24 articles in 24 hours thing last year for my Helium account, and while it was semi-painful, it was fun to challenge myself). I also have to deal with the ideas disappearing as soon as I sit down to commit them to text.

Maybe, deep down, there’s a part of me that still thinks I don’t deserve to be successful and prosperous doing something I love.

And maybe there’s a part of me that is afraid of what will happen when I do become successful and prosperous doing something I love. Maybe there’s something in me that is scare that I’ll sell one great story, and that will be it. Maybe I’m worried that my work will become formulaic and boring, just as it has for one of my favorite science-fiction/fantasy writers and his most popular and longest-running series to date. Maybe I feel like everything I’ve written or thought about has already been done. “Why bother reinventing the light bulb?” I ask myself.

And now that I think about that question, I think I have an answer: reinventing the light bulb has given us light bulbs of various types and strengths. Some light bulbs are meant to work with floodlights; others work best in chandeliers. Some bulbs cast a bright light; others are incredibly energy-efficient. Thanks to people reinventing the light bulb, we have incandescent, fluorescent, LED, and Heaven knows how many other varieties of light bulbs, each one suited to meet various, different needs. A fluorescent bulb wouldn’t work nearly as well in an old-school easy bake oven as an incandescent bulb did, and a floodlight bulb would look horribly out of place on a chandelier.

And that is why I need to keep on writing: while the ideas I may have may have been covered by other, better authors, my thoughts and plans for my characters and worlds are going to take them in directions that other authors may not have thought of or used. My life and experience, my hopes and dreams, everything about me becomes part of my narrative. While my work may just become a footnote on a forgotten tv tropes page, it will still be unique because it is mine.

That being said, keep an eye on this space. Ideas, they are a-comin’.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ~ Barbara Bloom

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.” ~ Elizabeth Prophet

As much as I try to get away from it, there’s just something in my soul that makes me think that there is someone out there who is meant to be with me. The reason that we are not together is because we need to heal from our brokenness before we can be who we need to be for each other.

Will it happen in this lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure about whether there is reincarnation (Christians believe in reincarnation after Judgment Day, though they don’t often call it such), which is, as I’ve said before, why it’s called “faith” and not “fact.”

I do know this, though: healing from the things that have broken me in the past will give my daughter and I the best possible future, regardless of whether or not there is a good, whole man who will be sharing the rest of his life with me, helping me show my daughter what a good, supportive, loving relationship looks like so that she can (I hope) avoid the same relationship mistakes I made.

It’s rough right now, and it can get pretty lonely for me, but I think the end result will be worth it.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I don’t agree with a lot of things that Elizabeth Prophet believed, but this quote from her pretty much sums up my feelings regarding relationships:

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.”

Anyway, as much as I try to get away from it, there’s just something in my soul that makes me think that there is someone out there who is meant to be with me. The reason that we are not together is because we need to heal from our brokenness before we can be who we need to be for each other. Will it happen in this lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure about whether there is reincarnation (Christians believe in reincarnation after Judgment Day, though they don’t often call it such), which is, as I’ve said in other blogs, why it’s called “faith” and not “fact.” I do know this, though: healing from the things that have broken me in the past will give my daughter and I the best possible future, regardless of whether or not there is a good, whole man who will be sharing the rest of his life with me, helping me show my daughter what a good, supportive, loving relationship looks like so that she can (I hope) avoid the same relationship mistakes I made.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I don’t agree with a lot of things that Elizabeth Prophet believed, but this quote from her pretty much sums up my feelings regarding relationships:

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.”

I was going to start writing more frequently, but when I heard that Google was going to retire/revamp/rename Blogger and Picasa, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bother, because I’m still not sure what will happen to my blogs when the change happens.

I thought about it some more, though, and I realized that Google, being a company that tries to make things EASIER for their customers rather than harder (and doesn’t always succeed), would most likely transfer the blogs over to whatever new blog program they’re brewing up in their labs.

Or maybe not. Until I know for sure, I suspect I should go ahead and back up my blogs, just in case I have to repost them.

Meanwhile, blog on!

As I’ve mentioned, my life’s a bit up in a heaval these days. I’m looking for steady work while I take on small jobs and temp gigs, and with things being as they are now, it does make it tricky. There are literally THOUSANDS of other people, who are in dire straits like mine, who are competing with me for some of these jobs. I’ve polished my resume to a shine, I’ve customized it as I can, and I’ve applied for jobs with a gleam in my eye and a hope in my heart.

My biggest concern is making enough money to keep my daughter and I in our home, save a little, and pay for the therapies she receives. She’s absolutely thriving, and aside from an upsurge in her Pica, her progress has been miraculous. No matter what challenges we face, my daughter is the biggest blessing in my life, and I will do all I can to give her the best life possible.

To that end, I’m trying to work out how to pay for graduate school (and the GRE) so that I can complete my MLS and fulfill the dream of my bibliophilic heart: becoming a professional librarian. I’ve often regarded libraries as temples of literacy, and the library, even in our push towards electronic books (and electronic everything else), plays a very important role in the community. It is a resource that anyone, regardless of income or social class or melanin level or anything else, can use to improve their lives.

Meanwhile, I’m improving my photo manipulation, video editing, and audio editing skills, little by little, by working on a couple of projects.

The first project is making videos set to Martin Page’s music in order to get more people to listen to and appreciate his solo work. He can be found on facebook, myspace, and his personal website, www.martinpage.com (I’ll let you know right now, though, that it works best on IE–firefox, chrome, and opera get XML errors, but they’re working on fixing that so that his site can be enjoyed on any browser). Martin Page is the artist who wrote and performed “In the House of Stone and Light” back in the 90s (from the album of the same name), and he’s a pretty prolific songwriter. His music has a quality that moves me in ways I’ve never felt before, and I feel as if it’s something that the world needs to hear. He also put out a second album in 2008, called “In the Temple of the Muse,” and it was absolutely amazing…and didn’t get the attention it deserved. He’s working on a third album, and I have hope that people will watch my videos, listen to his music, and be as eager to hear his third solo album as I am.

In addition to being talented, he’s also very intelligent, funny, and cares a great deal about preventing cruelty to animals. I’ve also heard from fans who have met him that he is a very gracious, humble person, which is a refreshing break from the artists who need a separate jet for their egos or treat their fanbase like crap–in fact, in the past, Martin’s taken the time to personally respond to messages left for him on his myspace page, usually through his assistant/webmistress (he hasn’t lately, but he and his assistant *have* been pretty busy lately).

The second project is something I’ve been working on for my father. When he was younger, my dad was in graduate school for Mass Communication, and the university discovered that my dad’s resonant bass-baritone and excellent diction gave him a perfect radio voice. Unfortunately, my dad had some rough personal times, gave up grad school, and went back to working menial jobs, first at a factory farm and then at a foundry. He eventually became a lab technician for a building company, but after he had an accident that shattered his shoulder and the economy started going south, he was laid off.

What I am trying to do for my dad is to help him go ahead and rebuild his voice profile. To that end, I’m putting together videos featuring his narration. From there, I plan to create an account for him on youtube so that we can upload the videos and give him an online profile to off…and (I hope!) help him get back to doing voiceover work. He’s got an amazing voice, and he’s a good actor, so I have hope that his voice will get him the recognition he’s craving…if he’ll do the recordings for me. He hasn’t finished them yet, but when he does, I’ll gladly use the materials I have to make him some videos, even if it’s just text on a pretty backdrop.

~*~

In addition to those online projects, I am growing my own pineapple plant. I’ve potted a pineapple, and it seems to be growing nicely. My dad’s dad had a pineapple plant, too. I can’t remember if it grew any fruit, but I’m going to do what I can to try and help mine to grow some.

Speaking of growing things, the indoor and outdoor gardens are progressing nicely. The tomatoes have fruit ripening on them, the red malobar spinach is growing like mad, and the herbs are coming in nice and strong, especially the wintergreen. My roses aren’t doing so well, but my brother’s rose bush has had to graduate to larger and larger pots because it’s doing so well.

~*~

Weirdly enough, I’ve been inspired to write new poetry. Whether it’s any good is a matter of personal taste. I’ll probably start posting it here as well. I typically write in free verse, but I’ve found myself needing to polish what I write–it’s still free verse, but I hope that it’s *better* free verse than what I’ve written on the fly. I want it to be as worthy of my Muse’s regard as I hope to be.

~*~

All of that being said, I hope this makes up for my lack of regular posts.

As I’ve mentioned, my life’s a bit up in a heaval these days. I’m looking for steady work while I take on small jobs and temp gigs, and with things being as they are now, it does make it tricky. There are literally THOUSANDS of other people, who are in dire straits like mine, who are competing with me for some of these jobs. I’ve polished my resume to a shine, I’ve customized it as I can, and I’ve applied for jobs with a gleam in my eye and a hope in my heart.

My biggest concern is making enough money to keep my daughter and I in our home, save a little, and pay for the therapies she receives. She’s absolutely thriving, and aside from an upsurge in her Pica, her progress has been miraculous. No matter what challenges we face, my daughter is the biggest blessing in my life, and I will do all I can to give her the best life possible.

To that end, I’m trying to work out how to pay for graduate school (and the GRE) so that I can complete my MLS and fulfill the dream of my bibliophilic heart: becoming a professional librarian. I’ve often regarded libraries as temples of literacy, and the library, even in our push towards electronic books (and electronic everything else), plays a very important role in the community. It is a resource that anyone, regardless of income or social class or melanin level or anything else, can use to improve their lives.

Meanwhile, I’m improving my photo manipulation, video editing, and audio editing skills, little by little, by working on a couple of projects. The first project is making videos set to Martin Page’s music in order to get more people to listen to and appreciate his solo work. He can be found on facebook, myspace, and his personal website, www.martinpage.com (I’ll let you know right now, though, that it works best on IE–firefox, chrome, and opera get XML errors, but they’re working on fixing that so that his site can be enjoyed on any browser).

My biggest project is a huge story that has branched out from a short story I wrote when I was 13, after I had a very strange dream. Alas, that project has been put on a back burner, as I haven’t found an artist who won’t flake out on me when I need him/her to start producing the work. This has the potential to be something epic and worth reading, but I think it would be best presented as a serial webcomic.

I could be wrong, though–God knows that’s happened more than once.

In the meantime, though, I’m looking for steady work. I left the steady job I had because they wouldn’t let me keep a shift I needed to ensure that my daughter has appropriate care during the time that I’m working, and I’ve been living off of unemployment, temp jobs, and small commissions (VERY SMALL) since then.

Another project that I have tackled is fixing the broken person who is me. To that end, while I continue to seek out friends, I have chosen to stop dating. Becoming a parent and living through what my relationship with her father became convinced me that I needed to fix whatever is wrong in me before I date again. I like helping people, and I have a drive to nurture the person I’m with to the point that I seek out broken men in a futile effort to “fix” them with my love.

Let me tell you something: it doesn’t work. All it does is cause me to date men who are so unhappy with who they are that they choose to inflict that unhappiness and negativity on everyone around them.

I’ve also realized that my efforts to “fix” broken men distract me from the brokenness inside of me. I’ve lived through and witnessed some truly terrible events that have left physical and emotional scars that affect everything I do, say, and think. I’ve allowed my past to control my present and dictate my future for far too long. In order to exorcise the ghosts of my past, I’ve started seeing a counselor who is amazing–she is helping me to get to the roots of my problems, see the truth for what it is, no matter how ugly it may be, and take away the lessons that I need to take from the truth and learn to be content no matter what curve balls are thrown my way. I can grieve the past, but wallowing in it does no good.

This choice has left me lonely, but I do have several strong friends whom I can lean on