Category: Uncategorized

…and I just barely missed the deadline for the 9/4/2011 entry. Whoops!

I’ve recently developed a fascination with photographing clouds and sunlight. Fortunately, since my camera has a preview screen, I can take pictures of the sun without directly looking at it, and the results have been pretty amazing. However, my big love has been clouds. Clouds are like snowflakes–no two are ever the same. Unlike snowflakes, though, the clouds are constantly changing shape under the force of wind, heat, and humidity.

While I wasn’t sure what good photographing clouds would do, I was able to use some of my work in a video for Martin Page’s song, “Count on Me.” Here’s the video, just in case you want to see what I’ve done:

I’ve taken many more cloud photographs, but I’m not sure what I can do with them. They’re beautiful, though, and I’ve noticed interesting things about sunlight behind clouds, and it’s been fun spotting different clouds and finding imagery within them. Perhaps one day the cloud photos will be something of use for something besides a Martin Page video. We’ll see.

My parents told me that I started reading when I was four years old (which wasn’t unique, as my brother and sisters were also reading by the time they were four). My earliest memory from a book was the line “Bill caught a big fish.” A kid named Bill was fishing (with his grandfather, if I remember correctly). I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the book, but I remember reading that line, and I remember seeing Bill, a young, dark-haired boy, holding up a fishing line with a big fish attached. It was illustrated in the style typical to the 60s and 70s…it was a sort of ink drawing with impressions of color here and there instead of the characters colored in fully. I remember reading it while I was being watched by my dad’s parents. Grandpa Tom was watching something on TV, and Grandma Anemone was working on some sewing project, most likely doll clothes for me and my sisters and her great-granddaughter, who was born a little less than a year after I was.

Ever since that early memory, I have been reading voraciously. I remembered trips into the Hannibal Public Library (also known as the Garth Memorial Library) as a special treat. It was always so hard to decide which books to check out, since the library had a limit. Nancy Drew books, fairy tales, mythology, and nonfiction were among my favorite things to check out. My parents were big on reading, and my siblings and I were constantly wearing out our library cards, and we lived in fear of the dreaded fines for overdue books.

Thanks to my parents’ nurturing and teachers and librarians who encouraged my habit, I started reading Shakespeare when I was seven years old. Unfortunately, because I lived in Hannibal and every single little thing was suffused with Mark Twain, I eschewed his work until I was older and HAD to read it, which I hated…up until I attended college and realized that he was a good writer (and a snark pioneer), and he most likely would have something snarky to say about Hannibal’s obsessive adoration of him, especially when so many other phenomenal people came from Hannibal, too.

My passion for books grew and grew, and every time there was a book sale and I had extra money (or there was a consignment shop or bookstore within walking distance), my collection would expand. When I lived in a town where the library was far too far away to visit on a regular basis, I would instead visit local bookstores, thrift stores, and consignment shops and buy TONS of books. By the time I met my daughter’s father, I probably had well over 1000 volumes. Donating a large chunk of them when I moved was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

Now that I live in Columbia (and unfortunately don’t have a ton of free money to spare), I am a frequent visitor to the Daniel Boone Regional Library (which is, but some strange coincidence, on Garth Street). They don’t have a limit on books one can check out, so it’s not uncommon for me to have 40+ books in my possession at one time.

It has taken a lot of time and soul-searching, but I believe that the library is my true calling, and I will be moving forward with my plans to obtain my MLIS and become a professional librarian. Perhaps I’ll be able to inspire future bibliophiles who will come to love and cherish books as much as I do!

My parents told me that I started reading when I was four years old (which wasn’t unique, as my brother and sisters were also reading by the time they were four). My earliest memory from a book was the line “Bill caught a big fish.” A kid named Bill was fishing (with his grandfather, if I remember correctly). I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the book, but I remember reading that line, and I remember seeing Bill, a young, dark-haired boy, holding up a fishing line with a big fish attached. It was illustrated in the style typical to the 60s and 70s…it was a sort of ink drawing with impressions of color here and there instead of the characters colored in fully. I remember reading it while I was being watched by my dad’s parents. Grandpa Tom was watching something on TV, and Grandma Anemone was working on some sewing project, most likely doll clothes for me and my sisters and her great-granddaughter, who was born a little less than a year after I was.

Ever since that early memory, I have been reading voraciously. I remembered trips into the Hannibal Public Library (also known as the Garth Memorial Library) as a special treat. It was always so hard to decide which books to check out, since the library had a limit. Nancy Drew books, fairy tales, mythology, and nonfiction were among my favorite things to check out. My parents were big on reading, and my siblings and I were constantly wearing out our library cards, and we lived in fear of the dreaded fines for overdue books.

Thanks to my parents’ nurturing and teachers and librarians who encouraged my habit, I started reading Shakespeare when I was seven years old. Unfortunately, because I lived in Hannibal and every single little thing was suffused with Mark Twain, I eschewed his work until I was older and HAD to read it, which I hated…up until I attended college and realized that he was a good writer (and a snark pioneer), and he most likely would have something snarky to say about Hannibal’s obsessive adoration of him, especially when so many other phenomenal people came from Hannibal, too.

My passion for books grew and grew, and every time there was a book sale and I had extra money (or there was a consignment shop or bookstore within walking distance), my collection would expand. When I lived in a town where the library was far too far away to visit on a regular basis, I would instead visit local bookstores, thrift stores, and consignment shops and buy TONS of books. By the time I met my daughter’s father, I probably had well over 1000 volumes. Donating a large chunk of them when I moved was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I’ve always been something of an anxious person. Even when I was a little girl hiding behind my mother’s skirt (which is something I can’t do now, both because my mother rarely wears skirts and I’m much larger than my mother), I was worried about…well, everything.

I’m still anxious these days because I want everything to turn out well. I’m somehow managing to take care of myself and my daughter, even though we have very little money, and, as I’ve said previously, I’m looking for steady work.

What makes me anxious? The answer to that lays in my thought processes. I am someone who considers every possible outcome, and I have a very vivid imagination. While being able to see multiple outcomes is sometimes an asset, it does make it more difficult for me to make decisions or to get through my day without biting my nails.

What I need is to slow my thoughts down and process them. Emmy Rossum’s “Slow Me Down” seems to suit my feelings perfectly. If you’ve never heard it, here it is:

I think the biggest thing that would help me calm my anxiety would be to slow down my thoughts through meditation. It’s hard for me to tell myself to slow down when I have so much to get done; however, I’ve spent so much time panicking in the past that what I need to get accomplished doesn’t get accomplished as quickly as I’d like anyway. As I progress in learning to meditate, I’m sure my anxiety will ebb and I’ll accomplish more than ever.

If you’re reading this and struggle with anxiety, please know that you’re not alone. There are plenty of us out there, and we’re all seeking ways to ease our anxious thoughts. I’m going to overcome my anxiety, and you can, too!

Since I’m job hunting and I want to challenge myself in the meantime, I’ve decided that today will mark the beginning of a challenge: I will post at least once a day on this blog for the the month of September. Perhaps by the end of this exercise, I will be back to being able to write regularly, with or without a writing prompt.

That being said, I am going to make things semi-easy on myself by doing the alphabet meme. For those who don’t know what that is, I’ll be going through the alphabet, one letter at a time, and the letter of the day will dictate the word I use as a writing prompt. If that’s not clear enough, you’ll see what I mean with my next blog entry.

Wish me luck!

“Here’s where clam fishin’ gets serious!” ~ Mr. Krabs

Starting in September, I hope to do more with this blog than I have thus far. I have a BA in English, a brain full of ideas, and a blog that is just begging for me to do more doodling than I have thus far.

Why haven’t I done more?

One word: procrastination.

As I’ve sad before, “Of all of the things I could go “pro” in, why did I choose this?” I’ve yet to understand the roots of why I keep on putting off seriously writing (I did a 24 articles in 24 hours thing last year for my Helium account, and while it was semi-painful, it was fun to challenge myself). I also have to deal with the ideas disappearing as soon as I sit down to commit them to text.

Maybe, deep down, there’s a part of me that still thinks I don’t deserve to be successful and prosperous doing something I love.

And maybe there’s a part of me that is afraid of what will happen when I do become successful and prosperous doing something I love. Maybe there’s something in me that is scare that I’ll sell one great story, and that will be it. Maybe I’m worried that my work will become formulaic and boring, just as it has for one of my favorite science-fiction/fantasy writers and his most popular and longest-running series to date. Maybe I feel like everything I’ve written or thought about has already been done. “Why bother reinventing the light bulb?” I ask myself.

And now that I think about that question, I think I have an answer: reinventing the light bulb has given us light bulbs of various types and strengths. Some light bulbs are meant to work with floodlights; others work best in chandeliers. Some bulbs cast a bright light; others are incredibly energy-efficient. Thanks to people reinventing the light bulb, we have incandescent, fluorescent, LED, and Heaven knows how many other varieties of light bulbs, each one suited to meet various, different needs. A fluorescent bulb wouldn’t work nearly as well in an old-school easy bake oven as an incandescent bulb did, and a floodlight bulb would look horribly out of place on a chandelier.

And that is why I need to keep on writing: while the ideas I may have may have been covered by other, better authors, my thoughts and plans for my characters and worlds are going to take them in directions that other authors may not have thought of or used. My life and experience, my hopes and dreams, everything about me becomes part of my narrative. While my work may just become a footnote on a forgotten tv tropes page, it will still be unique because it is mine.

That being said, keep an eye on this space. Ideas, they are a-comin’.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ~ Barbara Bloom

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.” ~ Elizabeth Prophet

As much as I try to get away from it, there’s just something in my soul that makes me think that there is someone out there who is meant to be with me. The reason that we are not together is because we need to heal from our brokenness before we can be who we need to be for each other.

Will it happen in this lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure about whether there is reincarnation (Christians believe in reincarnation after Judgment Day, though they don’t often call it such), which is, as I’ve said before, why it’s called “faith” and not “fact.”

I do know this, though: healing from the things that have broken me in the past will give my daughter and I the best possible future, regardless of whether or not there is a good, whole man who will be sharing the rest of his life with me, helping me show my daughter what a good, supportive, loving relationship looks like so that she can (I hope) avoid the same relationship mistakes I made.

It’s rough right now, and it can get pretty lonely for me, but I think the end result will be worth it.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I don’t agree with a lot of things that Elizabeth Prophet believed, but this quote from her pretty much sums up my feelings regarding relationships:

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.”

Anyway, as much as I try to get away from it, there’s just something in my soul that makes me think that there is someone out there who is meant to be with me. The reason that we are not together is because we need to heal from our brokenness before we can be who we need to be for each other. Will it happen in this lifetime? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure about whether there is reincarnation (Christians believe in reincarnation after Judgment Day, though they don’t often call it such), which is, as I’ve said in other blogs, why it’s called “faith” and not “fact.” I do know this, though: healing from the things that have broken me in the past will give my daughter and I the best possible future, regardless of whether or not there is a good, whole man who will be sharing the rest of his life with me, helping me show my daughter what a good, supportive, loving relationship looks like so that she can (I hope) avoid the same relationship mistakes I made.

Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward into eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

I don’t agree with a lot of things that Elizabeth Prophet believed, but this quote from her pretty much sums up my feelings regarding relationships:

“Your mate may be the perfect complement who makes you feel whole, but only you can make yourself whole. The lack of wholeness isn’t the problem, so much as expecting the other person to fill in which only you can do.”